Something about shopping in the age of COVID-19

Me buying normal amount of loo roll in local shop: I'm going to sell this on ebay for £100.
Bloke on till (clearly gullible): Are you?
Me: No not really, I'm just joking because of all these people stockpiling. I thought the Australians were made of sterner stuff to be honest, mind you, after those bush fires, there's probably a shortage of leaves to wipe their bums with.

Till man (shocked and frightened {probably} by this point): Oh no!
Me: Sorry, if there's a tone to be lowered, I'll lower it.

This is what happens when I get up early and have too much daylight.

Overly chatty middle aged woman bores sales assistant tale #2.
I was in a local department store buying posh soap, talc and hand lotion as a gift. When I got into the old ladies' smellys section, I noticed they had a sale on so I treated myself to some bars for my pants drawer. By the time I got to the counter to pay, I had quite a haul.
Me: Stockpiling hand santiser is SO last week!
Perfume Counter Woman just laughed and ran away to be with her friends as soon as I'd paid.

 And finally, retail tale #3. Me, placing a gift bag; greetings card; thick purple candle that will fit one of Owen's skull candle holders; 2 bars of vegan white chocolate and a bottle of Italian organic tomato ketchup that I realised later cost FOUR QUID and only really bought it because the bottle is glass and I'm avoiding plastic: I only came in for a mirror. [They don't sell mirrors] The lad on the till was obviously thinking : NOBODY FUCKING CARES - WE WANT TO GO HOME!