Careful what you wish for Obama!
Helên Tingle
Last night's dream.
Barack Obama: Wouldn't you like to be around when the world ends?
Me: No, not really.
Obama: Oh I would, just to see what happens.
Me: Well maybe if I was already old and had lived my life, but no, not really.
Obama: Oh, I would. I want to know how it ends.
Me buying normal amount of loo roll in local shop: I'm going to sell this on ebay for £100.
Bloke on till (clearly gullible): Are you?
Me: No not really, I'm just joking because of all these people stockpiling. I thought the Australians were made of sterner stuff to be honest, mind you, after those bush fires, there's probably a shortage of leaves to wipe their bums with.
Till man (shocked and frightened {probably} by this point): Oh no!
Me: Sorry, if there's a tone to be lowered, I'll lower it.
This is what happens when I get up early and have too much daylight.
Me: Sorry, if there's a tone to be lowered, I'll lower it.
This is what happens when I get up early and have too much daylight.
Overly chatty middle aged woman bores sales assistant tale #2.
I was in a local department store buying posh soap, talc and hand lotion as a gift. When I got into the old ladies' smellys section, I noticed they had a sale on so I treated myself to some bars for my pants drawer. By the time I got to the counter to pay, I had quite a haul.
Me: Stockpiling hand santiser is SO last week!
Perfume Counter Woman just laughed and ran away to be with her friends as soon as I'd paid.
I was in a local department store buying posh soap, talc and hand lotion as a gift. When I got into the old ladies' smellys section, I noticed they had a sale on so I treated myself to some bars for my pants drawer. By the time I got to the counter to pay, I had quite a haul.
Me: Stockpiling hand santiser is SO last week!
Perfume Counter Woman just laughed and ran away to be with her friends as soon as I'd paid.
And
finally, retail tale #3. Me, placing a gift bag; greetings card; thick
purple candle that will fit one of Owen's skull candle holders; 2 bars
of vegan white chocolate and a bottle of Italian organic tomato ketchup
that I realised later cost FOUR QUID and only really bought it because
the bottle is glass and I'm avoiding plastic: I only came in for a
mirror. [They don't sell mirrors] The lad on the till was obviously
thinking : NOBODY FUCKING CARES - WE WANT TO GO HOME!
Have people forgotten the parable of the rich man who bought all of the hand sanitiser?
Schrodinger's
pensioner: simultaneously staying indoors and avoiding large groups of
people while
also going out to volunteer in the nation's hospitals. Dead or alive?
also going out to volunteer in the nation's hospitals. Dead or alive?
'The Voice' is utter shit isn't it? It needs mopping up with some of the stockpiled bog roll.
No loo roll again in local shop, just the moist stuff. My stockpiling of kitchen roll continues...
No loo roll again in local shop, just the moist stuff. My stockpiling of kitchen roll continues...
Got
8 rolls of loo roll in the co-op afterwhich I got all 'eat drink and be
merry' and bought a box of chocolates and some lemon bakewells (new
from Mr. Kipling). #ExcitingTimes
Johnson wants to be an outlier as well as a liar.
Had
to get the bus earlier. Took my 10p change then put my woolly gloves on
as a face touching deterrent while thinking, "Don't touch your face,
don't touch your face..." Brief nervous cough ensued. Forgot to put
hands up to mouth because I'd internalised the "Don't touch your face,"
mantra. Can't win.
Seeing
those Italians on their balconies singing and playing music has
inspired me. If things get worse, I will start doing poetry performances
in the garden, so if that doesn't inspire you all to stay the fuck at
home until we've nailed this bastard, I don't know what will.
Is this my job?
Turns out the Stereophonics really are tone deaf.
I made up a joke.
Everyone asking where Rishi Sunak is getting all that money from. Have you forgotten that there's 20% VAT on toilet roll?
Everyone asking where Rishi Sunak is getting all that money from. Have you forgotten that there's 20% VAT on toilet roll?
"I've got a bit of a cough," is a gift to introverts.
The year is 2050, I am 81. The long anticipated Netflix blockbuster, 'Covid 19' premieres. I take to twitter:
Ha ha! We didn't start communicating by telepathy 'til 2027 via 9G technology, & bubble perms didn't come back 'til 2025. Who writes this shit? Robot, pour me a sherry.
Ha ha! We didn't start communicating by telepathy 'til 2027 via 9G technology, & bubble perms didn't come back 'til 2025. Who writes this shit? Robot, pour me a sherry.
Apparently, everyone's stockpiling eggs. I suppose it'll make it easy to eke out the loo roll if everyone's egg bound.
All
this screen time, mayhem and life admin mither is giving me a headache
so I'm going to switch off for a bit. Might have a trundle round the
garden and video some boring stuff like flowers and compost - see if I
can find some serenity in the undergrowth.
If you think you're having a bad time, imagine how that family of slugs that I evicted from the hedgehog box feels.
Sorry, this isn't helping is it?
Sorry, this isn't helping is it?
I've stopped wearing my watch because I think it's unhygenic. Time has ceased to exist.
The
year is 2050. Helên is 81 and Owen is 78. In the absence of
grandchildren they have adopted a sentient Feline Cyborg as all the
earth cats have been recalled to their true home, a far off planet where the ancient Egyptians built their first space ship.
Feline Cyborg: Tell me about the olden days Nana.
Helên: Well, 2020 was a wild ride. After a seven year musical lull, we released a new tune, 'Gwyneth Paltrow's Cunt' about an all encompassing smelly candle, then two months later, the world was gripped by a lethal global pandemic the like of which hadn't been seen for a century and everything went to shit.
Feline Cyborg: Tell me more about the song! Will you sing it Nana?
Helên: Maybe another time sweetheart, I'm a bit tired just now.
Feline Cyborg: Pappy, will you sing it for me, please Pappy, please!
Owen: Fuck off you little cunt, you're not even a real cat.
Helên: Well, 2020 was a wild ride. After a seven year musical lull, we released a new tune, 'Gwyneth Paltrow's Cunt' about an all encompassing smelly candle, then two months later, the world was gripped by a lethal global pandemic the like of which hadn't been seen for a century and everything went to shit.
Feline Cyborg: Tell me more about the song! Will you sing it Nana?
Helên: Maybe another time sweetheart, I'm a bit tired just now.
Feline Cyborg: Pappy, will you sing it for me, please Pappy, please!
Owen: Fuck off you little cunt, you're not even a real cat.
I
had to go out for essentials. Now ready to lock down for as long as
possible. Not ill, just locking down. Was on my way to the local farm
and this bloke is walking towards me but is at a safe distance away. He
gets his phone out, taps it a few times, then when he's a bit nearer,
but still a safe distance away, he asks me if the nearby car park is
open to the public. I tell him 'yes' and go on my way. When I get home, I
check my phone and see that I've had the text from government telling
people to stay home. I don't usually do paranoia but the text was sent
shortly after I was talking to that bloke, so the little voice in my
head says, 'He's a spy, he was getting your number so he could send you a
targeted text because you weren't at home!' I'm glad I don't smoke
weed.
My
latest Covid 19 crisis prediction is that boy racers are going to be a
problem. I saw two today zooming about the fairly empty roads. Bored
daft lads with souped up cars. Hope they don't crash and burn because
the NHS won't be able to help them.
I'm thinking now might be a good time for everyone to learn sign language.
I'm
glad I'm not going to be interviewed on the news about the current
crisis. My book case isn't tall enough. I'd look like an idiot.
Have the Stereophonics been lynched yet?
Bloke on the radio talking to Alan Beswick: Have you ever weighed your poo?
It's
bin day tomorrow. Just been down the path with my bleach spray to wipe
down the wheelie bin handle as per the council's request. If this was a
normal day I'd have looked like a nutter.
Good
news for the self employed. Supermarkets, landlords and utilies
companies are now accepting sympathy in addition to exposure as a means
of payment. Thanks Mr. Prime Minister you fucking bellend.
The new corona virus prick test will identify everyone who spent last Friday night rammed cheek by jowl in their local pub.
I
bought a new laptop today because this one is a bit old and is the only
way I can get online. I was having a look at the apps and things on
there and noticed it has a step counter. Should I take it out with me
when I go on my daily, state sanctioned, hour long walk?
Just realised that today is Friday. Who knew?
Now
that Prince Charles and members of the government have been tested
positive for the virus, I think the rest of us in the UK need to be told
what number we are in line to the throne.
I don't think Johnson is ill, I think he just wanted the weekend off.
Today is Saturday. Funnily enough, it actually feels like a Saturday to me. Let me know if these daily up dates are helpful.
A
Public Service Announcement has been requested: UK folk, don't forget
to put your clocks forward one hour tonight to add yet another layer of
disorientation to this week's what-the-fuckery. Hope this helps.
In other news, I have yet to do any online shopping but I will soon be
taking delivery of a hedgehog. [For those new to my fb ramblings, it's a
wild hedgehog that has been rescued and overwintered and will be
released back into the wild.]
It's #AprilFoolsDay in a few days. Fingers crossed...
Still here. Still saving lives, sitting on my arse. You?
SUNDAY TODAY EVERYONE!
Watching
the Now 80s music channel. Turns out 'La Isla Bonita' reminds me of
cooking the dinner at my Taid's. (Welsh Grandad). Grace Jones is on now.
Funnily enough she was one of the star turns at the gathering of the
Jones's at the Millennium Centre in Cardiff in 2006.
My
Mum thought she was in France when she was in intensive care in
Manchester Royal Infirmary. Opposite her bed, there was a trolley load
of books available to buy for a small donation.
Mum: What's that over there?
Me: It's a load of books you can buy. Do you want me to have a look to see if there's anything you want to read?
Mum: No, they'll all be in French - I won't be able to understand them.
Mum: What's that over there?
Me: It's a load of books you can buy. Do you want me to have a look to see if there's anything you want to read?
Mum: No, they'll all be in French - I won't be able to understand them.
Then on another day, after I turned up for visiting and was telling her
something about what was going on she got a bit shirty and said, "ARE
YOU A DOCTOR NOW?!"
Me: Yes, yes I am! They've given me a pair of blue pyjamas and told me I don't have to sit the exams.
Mum: [Irritated chuntering]
Me: Yes, yes I am! They've given me a pair of blue pyjamas and told me I don't have to sit the exams.
Mum: [Irritated chuntering]
