Thursday, 3 January 2019

The death of creativity

I wrote this 14.3.2004 but thought I'd paste it here before AI claims copyright. 

Location: Typing pool 
Typing pool?
Bear with me.
Typewriters: Infinite
OK, PCs: Infinite
Monkeys: Infinite
Primates: Extinct now. Hairy. Can’t type.
Can’t type?
They’re not so much typing as hitting keys at random, that’s the point.
Time allowed: Infinite
Expected results: The entire works of Shakespeare plus every other piece of literature that could possibly be written ever. (Includes drivel; magazine articles; biographies including those of people not yet born; major works of fiction; drama and philosophy; all text books except those including mathematical formulae; dogma; manifestos; TV listings pages; occasional recipes and LOTS of poetry, infinite amounts of it, in fact all the poetry you could ever write and more). So, do you think you can build it?
No problem.
Can you build it, run it then publish and copyright its entire output?
And how long will this take?
Hmmm. Give me a month.
Brilliant. And then, can you build me one that does art?

Tuesday, 4 December 2018

Naughty Not Nice Christmas Stocking Filler


Track List

I Hate Christmas by Proud Failures

Christmas Jumper Friday by Hemming Tong

Merry Christmas by The Bombshelter Brigade (free download)

Snowman by The Kettle Ons

I Hate Christmas by Beer and Pretzels

I Hate Christmas by earwigs

I Hate Christmas by Snap-her

I Hate Christmas by William Baldwin, Matthew Frank

All i want for christmas is shit by The Toilet

Foggerton eats a Tory For Xmas by Norris Nuvo

Just Say 'No' To Christmas by HT and OJ

Happy New Year by Hemming Tong

Friday, 19 October 2018

Halloween Countdown: 12 Days 'til Halloween...

Buy here:

Monday, 1 October 2018

Halloween Playlist 2018

Cloud Waste and the Calf - Phantasmagoria

Lucky Oddy  - Three Wolf Moon

Egyptian Lover - Zombies

HNN - L'écran vert

Lebanon Hanover - Gallowdance

Die Jungen - Do be Scared

Alesia  Cosmos - The Last Line
No buy link but check out their bandcamp here:

Flies on You - It Creeps

In Death It Ends - Infinite End

Lebanon Hanover - Midnight Creature

Kas Product - Devil Fellow

She Past Away - Ritüel

Ladytron - Light and Magic

Solemn Shapes - Loss

Klaxons - Four Horsemen of 2012
Google it.

Fun Boy Three - The Lunatics Have Taken Over The Asylum
Google it.

Klaxons - Four Horsemen of 2012 (continued)
Google it.

Flies On You - Shipmanesque

Pixies - Dead
Google it.

Fat Mess - Gary Glitter

The Cramps - Surfin Dead
Google it.

Scroll Free September

Stuff I did during the month of September instead of gawping at social media for hours on end.

Extended this piece of experimental music from a while back because it was too short.

Put together some visuals for said tune using my new camera - thanks Owen!

poem about everything (2018 extended mix) by Helên Thomas from Helên Thomas on Vimeo.

Took some pictures and made this gif.

Took loads more pics - these are just a few.

Made a creepy video to go with some experimental music that I made a while back.

Noise Experiment 1 by Helên Thomas from Helên Thomas on Vimeo.

Did lots of other things that were vastly more uplifting than getting sucked into the madness that is social media, though none of those things are particularly worthy of note, so I will keep them to myself. Needless to say, I will probably share the fruits of my time offline once I get back on to facebook and twitter, but I feel better for taking a step back and doing something creative for its own sake. Likes and shares are nice, but not essential. 

Thursday, 1 March 2018

Vegan Sausage Plait

I can't take credit for this recipe; my Mum came up with it after seeing a meaty version on a TV foodie show. I'm posting this for the benefit of a friend. I'm not a professional recipe writer, so attempt it yourself at your own risk.


1 sheet ready rolled puff pastry

(These vary between 320g Jus Rol to 375g Sainsbury's own brand. Either will do as this recipe doesn't require precision. Alternatively, you can make your own pastry using vegan margarine. This recipe is fine with shortcrust pastry or puff pastry.)

2 Vegetarian oxo cubes
1 packet of 6 Linda McCartney's sausages, (or whatever sausages you like).
1 packet sage and onion stuffing (85g)
1 large onion
Vegan margarine - large heaped dessert spoon sized dollop
Oil for cooking onion / greasing baking tray / glazing pastry (mixed with a dash of soya milk)

You will also need a large baking try to assemble the plait on in addition to run-of-the-mill kitchenalia required for preparation. [See, I said I wasn't a professional food writer].


Pre-heat oven to 180 C / 350 F / Google it for gas.

Finely chop the onion and fry it in some oil until it is soft.
While the onion is cooking, prepare the dry stuffing mix as per the instructions on the packet but dissolve the two oxo cubes into the boiled water to add extra flavour. Add the large dollop of margarine and the cooked onion to stuffing and mix thoroughly. I don't add any other seasoning because the sausages are quite salty and the oxo cubes are quite savoury, but you can if you want to.

Next, grease your baking tray with oil and unroll the pastry. Put the pastry on the tray and spread HALF of the stuffing mixture onto the pastry (see my fabulous diagram below - I'd have taken photos of the whole process if I'd realised I was going to do this blog).

Don't use all of the stuffing as you need to keep some to cover the sausages. Next, arrange the sausages on top of the stuffing layer. Use a knife or scissors to score or cut the pastry in readiness for plaiting. If you can't be bothered with plaiting, re-name the dish 'Sausage Wellington' and just roll it up once you've assembled the filling. [Why make life hard if you're not feeling like a crafter?]

Cover the sausages with the remaining stuffing mixture - see diagram below. You can then plait the pastry across the top of the stuffing, or roll it up if you've opted to make the wellington.

Once you've finished this, mix a small amount of sunflower oil with some soya milk to glaze the top of the pastry. This will make it go a nice golden brown, but is not essential.

Cook for between 35 - 45 minutes in a pre-heated oven at 180 C
If  you find that the pastry is getting too brown too quickly you can cover it with foil so that it doesn't burn.

Here's my finished version. It goes well with a roast dinner and gravy and is also nice cold with salad or HP sauce, chips and beans. YUM. Post a comment if you have any questions or think I've missed anything.

I made some rose buds using the left over pastry for this one that I served up on Christmas Day. My Mum and Owen,  independently of each other, both said, "Oooo, I like your snails." I don't know why I bother.

Here's another plait recipe that I found that has better pictures than mine. I haven't made this myself though.

Friday, 21 October 2016

Helên Tingle's Halloween Treat 2016.

Nightwalker  - Uncle Ian  DOWNLOAD HERE 

This Corrosion - Sisters of Mercy  BUY HERE

Spellbound - Siouxsie and The Banshees  BUY HERE

Mourir c'est nul - Infecticide  BUY HERE

Neurotic  Zombie - Tart 82  NO BUY LINK AVAILABLE


The Crucifix - John Maus  BUY HERE

Sex Vampire - UN BUY HERE

For Whom The Bell Tolls - Fad Gadget BUY HERE 

Tainted Love - Skinny Puppy      NO BUY LINK AVAILABLE

Deathwish - Christian Death BUY HERE 

Death Disco - Public Image Limited BUY HERE

The Holy Hour - The Cure BUY HERE

Who Killed Mr. Moonlight? - Bauhaus BUY HERE

Zombie Sheep - Pusbunny  NO BUY LINK - LISTEN HERE

Six Eyes From Hell - Monte Cazazza   NO BUY LINK AVAILABLE

Biomutanten - Les Vampyrettes  BUY HERE

Aperitif De La Mort -  Liaisons Dangereuses  BUY HERE

Movement of Fear - Tones On Tail BUY HERE

Holland Tunnel Drive - Implog  BUY HERE

Nothing - IX   BUY HERE 

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Polar Fleece

Polar Fleece: "An unknown baby travels in the womb of its mountaineer mother whose i-pod sounds have rendered her oblivious to her avalanche destiny."

Monday, 24 August 2015

Listen EP

4 track EP of dark sounds by me.