Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Baby Names: Click 'Like'.

There was a story in the news the other day about a couple who decided to name their baby 'Like'.
This reminded me of a blog I wrote on my now defunct myspace blog a while ago, so here it is again. 

Baby Names.
Current mood: grateful
Category: Life
I won't be having any children, but if I did, here's who they'd be, and, more importantly, what they'd be called: 

Inertia: Female. She is a lazy flaky arse who takes after her mother although she claims that she would like a career in industry. She suffers from low blood pressure, bedsores, greasy hair, dandruff, constipation, bad breath and the inability to make decisions. Likes anything pink and novelty slippers.  

Kiosk: Male. His Dad is a Polish immigrant who runs the popcorn and sweets franchise in the local cinema. We got friendly after he gave me a discount on a jumbo packet of minstrels and a can of coke. Kiosk likes football and gherkins.

Thingy: Gender irrelevant. Thingy is an average, unremarkable child who makes friends easily and is always being called on to lend utensils to his / her classmates. Thingy is a twin. S/he collects pencil sharpeners and rubbers; s/he's particularly fond of the fragrant ones that dangerously resemble real sweets. S/he has catalogued them all in a notebook, ranking them from most to least favourite, and freshens them up with bottles of old scent that she buys from charity shops.

Youthere: Gender irrelevant. Youthere is Thingy's twin. They sit together in class. They are biologically identical but they are easy to tell apart: Thingy is clean and has a well stocked pencil case full of classroom utensils whereas Youthere has a permanent snot bubble, breathes through his / her mouth and smells of wee, biscuits and synthetic jam.

Moraine: Female. Moraine works on a building site and has previously been a landscape gardener. She is a hypochondriac who is convinced that she is going to die of cancer. She wants to live in Scotland. She has a bubble perm that makes her look like a 1970s footballer. Favourite foods: quiche and malt loaf.

Fauna: Female. Fauna lives in Ireland with her paternal grandmother. She likes Irish dancing, treacle toffee and Eurovision. She achieved local notoriety when she claimed to have seen the image of the Virgin Mary in a dollop of cat sick although her grandmother attributed it to a fur ball.

Finial: Male. Lives with Fauna in Ireland with their paternal grandmother. Models himself on Laurence Llewellyn Bowen. Owns his own sewing machine but likes to get a man in to jigsaw the MDF. Works part time in the local Chinese restaurant sculpting roses out of raw carrots, radishes and turnips.

Salivary-Amylase: Female. Fancies herself as that bird from 'Chocolat'. Dribbles a lot. 

John Way Hey: Male. John, in adulthood, is a priapic party animal. His father is not registered on his birth certificate so John uses his mother's surname. He's a bit thick, but everybody likes him. He's especially popular with older women. He's studying 'sports science' at college. Favourite food: baked beans straight from the tin.

Helix: Male. Helix is the larger of two conjoined twins who are joined at the hair. 

Double Helix: Male. Brother of larger conjoined twin Helix. 

Stella Art Wah: Female. Stella was conceived on a building site, but is a bit of a social climber. She wears sunglasses indoors with a black beret and a white string vest. She's had her nipples pierced and frequents art galleries whilst sucking a pencil. 

Androgen: Male. Androgen is a fantasist who is addicted to bodybuilding, plastic surgery and porn. Currently living in Hollywood, working as a stripper. He once got to stand in the background of an edition of 'Baywatch'.

Tuatara: Female. A skinny girl who suffers from psoriasis, bulging eyes and a long thin tongue. Doesn't like the cold. 

Pub: Male. Pub is short and stocky. He enjoys running round the playground at school frightening the girls. He likes playing on his own but will do anything for a dare. He rarely plays with the other boys, but will occasionally stand in as a goal post if they're short of jumpers. Despite being only eleven, he has self-tattooed the words 'LUVE' and 'HATS' upside-down on his knuckles. He recently got sent to the Headmaster's office for eating tadpoles. His dad is missing. 

Andfinally: The last one. Wants to be a ringmaster. Very small. Male I think.


  1. I think I might know John Way Hey... Jx

  2. Oooo, look at me, I can now post comments on your blog! xx

  3. YAY! You also need to follow the Tingle blog - only saying. HT