dust free keyboard: May 2020

In the absence of a proper journal, I'm putting all my facebook musings in one place for me to marvel at, at a future time, assuming I'm still here.

1st April 2020: Today is Wednesday 29th December. Any good films on?

1st April 2020: For fuck's sake, even watching tv is like being on a conference call.

2nd April 2020: Llandudno folks - those goats are coming for your children. Pay them what you owe.

2nd April 2020: I have finished dismantling the old shed and used the rotten wood to build a woodlouse palace. For a few hours I was in a world where no #coronavirus exists.

2nd April 2020: Despite posting the day and the date earlier, my brain decided this evening that today is Friday and now I'm pissed off that I've missed 'Gogglebox'.

4th April: I'm taking social isolating to the next level - I've uninstalled skype.

4th April 2020: Can anyone remember what The Fonz did after he jumped the shark?

9th April 2020: So, is it Good Friday tomorrow then or what?

15th April 2020: Does everyone else say 'piss off' before switching off the telly remote and going to bed, or is it just me?

15th April 2020: You can buy online from Home Bargains. There's not much of a selection and what they do have you have to purchase in bulk. I now have 24 packets of sweet chilli flavoured rice crackers, plus a shit load of catfood and a new hose pipe attachment - you're allowed to buy those in the singular.

15th April 2020:
You don't say you knead me
And you don't sing me love songs
You don't bring me flours anymore

15th April 2020 [The day Trump turned up to his press briefing with WHITE HAIR!]: I haven't been paying attention to Trump lately. When did he stop dying his hair?

15th April 2020: What if we don't ever want to go out ever again ever?

17th April 2020: I've got so many bananas I might go and sit in the front garden chucking my own shit at passers-by.

17th April 2020: Pah! I had a dream that me and Owen went for a walk.

19th April 2020: I've noticed that whenever I read anything detailing the current crisis I always think to myself, 'I hope I survive this so that I can watch the dramatised version that they'll make in a few years' time'. So that's it, my main reason for wanting to stay well is so that I can watch it all back on telly.

19th April 2020: Mawkish shite everywhere. It's worse than Christmas.

20th April 2020: It's a shame I'm not going to have grandchildren. I could have bored the shit out of them with all this. Random people on the bus it is then!

20th April 2020: My Mum watching the weather: I am a sheltered Glen.

20th April 2020: I found a tin of sweetcorn in the cupboard that I wasn't aware of and experienced a frisson of excitement. I've already got a zip lock bag of sweetcorn in the freezer but because I opened it upside down with a pair of scissors when I first used it, I manage to spill a load of it on the floor every time I use it. Aside from that, I'm fine. Ta.

21st April 2020: I think the 5G conspiracy has gained traction because there aren't enough flights at the moment to sustain the 'chemtrails' conspiracy. Someone needs to start a conspiracy about tree pollen.

23rd April 2020: Would anyone like me to write an inspirational poem? Nah, me neither.

23rd April 2020: Life update. I have planted two potatoes. One in an old bucket that belonged to my Taid and the other in a lidless old swing bin. I will keep you up to date re. their progress.

24th April 2020: I can't be arsed writing an inspirational poem. I did think about writing a poem about how it's OK if you can't be arsed writing inspirational poems or if you find crafting twee and tedious, or feel blank at the prospect of keeping and in depth diary or your unique lockdown thoughts, or if you're shit at lip synching, or if you're filled with existential dread, not because of the virus, but because of the pressure you feel under to finish off all those DIY jobs, or learn how to cut hair / speak a new language / play a musical instrument / write songs about washing your hands / feed a family of four with a tin of chickpeas and some dust / punctuate exceptionally long sentences, or if you're just not terminally jolly enough to make frenetic videos of yourself cartwheeling round the garden while your child prodigies raise money for charity with their virtual lemonade and cupcakes stands, but I can't be arsed. Anyway, Poet Helene 'Butternut Squash' Smithee is a far better poet than I'll ever be, so thank the bee gees that she's found the time to write an uplifting ode.

24th April 2020: We've had the driest April in years, so please leave water out for the wildlife.

25th April 2020: Had another frisson of glee earlier on seeing a tin of spaghetti hoops at the back of the cupboard. No potato news, but it's early days obvs. Stay tuned.

26th April 2020: Whenever they start banging on about herd immunity, I feel a bit antsy. We still don't know if you can get Covid19 again and even if you do have immunity, your lungs and general health could be permanently damaged as a result of having the virus.

26th April 2020: Could all of the Scottish people on my friend list record a video of themselves saying 'horrible' so that I can put them on a loop to entertain myself? You can throw in the odd 'murder' if you're feeling festive. Ta. I'm happy to reciprocate with an 'Ooo lovely' or even a stereotypical 'Ey up it's a bit parky out. Take your coat off or you won't feel the benefit'. etc.

27th April 2020: Rambling anecdote time: When I was a kid, the local GP was a bit of a character - very down to earth to the point of being blunt - not to everyone's taste, but he was a great doctor. When I was 4, my Mum got mumps and went to see him.

Mum: It's so painful, I can't even bite an apple.
Dr Walmsley: Well, you should think yourself lucky!
Mum: Why?
Dr Walmsley: Some people can't afford an apple.

Rambling anecdote 2: When my Mum was pregnant with me, she didn't get very big and the aforementioned doctor was worried that I would be very small when born. He insisted that he be called to the hospital after my birth. Not only did I cause him to cancel his Saturday morning round of golf, but on seeing me, weighing in at eight pounds, he exclaimed, "It's a little whopper!" [This was before Burger King was a thing].

28th April 2020: I vow, that for the duration of this crisis, I will not upload any videos of myself doing anything, especially chirpy stuff. I will also NOT be available via skype, zoom or any other 'broadcast from your goldfish bowl' app. Hope this helps.

This poem is better than I remember it so I’m posting it here, or maybe my brain is just getting ever sludgier. It definitely is, but these days, I think that is an asset.

May Day

on telephone buttons let dust accrue

no will to receive and no-one to call

carnivore neighbours in gardens pollute

smoke wafting aloft carcinogen coils

from cow coal cremations on barbecue

conversations beefed up malodorous

to self promotion of bluff power tools

Bank holiday impulse bought at Argos

glasses clink jarring with icy chit chat

babbling dry like a bubblewrap creek

one-upmanship sinking minus life raft

I wish war film skies, orchestral then bleak

a scornful flash then harsh bullet rain pours

peace now the refugees head back indoors

28th April 2010

dust free keyboard

Links

Tuesday, 5 May 2020

Indie Stuff - Mixcloud

Saturday, 2 May 2020

April Round Up Under Lockdown.

The Seventh Wave 170420 Electronica Radio Show

Friday, 1 May 2020

May Day